nonsense.

lately.

so. fuck this 30 day challenge. im back at school and there’s no time to breathe, let alone put time into posting useless things on tumblr.

but today provides too much time. fucking snow day. and no homework, or at least, homework that needs to be done.

yesterday, i had bioethics, which seems pretty tough since its a philosophy class, but my professor seems to be understanding of the fact that alot of this philosophical reasoning tends to go over our heads. but anyway, yesterday we were discussing the idea of good will and what it means to be “good” and she had us read some passages from the bible and an essay by this german philosopher known as kant. the bible isnt too hard to interpret, but let me tell you, this kant guy is way too wordy for my liking.

although, there is something that kant speaks about in his essay that i particularly like, which was the idea of ends and means. the professor broke this down for us real simply in that ends are people and means are things. according to kant, good will is achieved when we treat people as people and not as means. in other words, using other people is BAD. the professor then wanted us to talk about a time when we felt used, or come up with examples of when we felt used. it was crazy how close to home this lecture hit for me. of course, i didnt bring my problems into the classroom and made up a random example..”uhh my sister used me for rides when i got my license”. i could, however, think of a million and one examples. for instance, last year people (and by people i really mean one person) using me for rides to places like, oh i dont know, the mall to buy their boyfriend a birthday present, or the drugstore, or starbucks. yeah, and heres some more. using my house for your summertime entertainment, my parents kindness, MY kindness, using me as a means to make new friends and break my friendships. yeah, you suck. and kant would think you’re a bitch. 

my day:

-wake up @ 6:45 am for class (fml)

-eat cereal

-bioethics

-food shopping

-lunch

-tv

-study abroad meeting

-shower

-relax

-dinner w. katyaaa

-sleep?

shuffle time.

1. a whole new world- from the aladdin soundtrack (awww yeahhh)

2. seventeen forever- metro station

3. kiss the girl- techno disney

4. island in the sun- wheezer 

5. up and go- the starting line

6. someone like you- safetysuit

7. hold on- jo bro’s (lawl)

8. ocean avenue- yellowcard.

9. sympathy- the goo goo dolls

10. for the longest time- sherwood

first kiss and first love.

first kiss: uhmm..my first kiss was awkward and quick, to say the least. it was a dare. and neither of us really wanted to actually do it-thus the awkwardness. and, thats all i really have to say about that. i feel like first experiences like this are never actually any good. its like the first time you have sex. its awkward and you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing-and thus, its bad.

first love: well, i can talk about the first time i thought i was in love, which was when i was 5 years old and had a crush on my first older man: my 6-year-old neighbor. or i can talk about the first (and only) time i was actually in love. its all kind of weird to talk about though. or not really weird, i guess just really personal. and also a bit upsetting. there’s alot i could say. but words can’t quite sum it up. so i’ll just give you the straight up facts, minus the emotions, and the things that words can’t really say. i met him when i was 14. we went to different schools. we dated for 4 years. and i dont think i actually realized it was that real love feeling until he went to college. he was my best friend. and thats really all i can say about it. those are just the facts-the things that most people knew about our relationship. nothing else needs to be explained. 

oh and what i want my future to be like.

i want to be married

with kids

and a husband i love

and a close family

and a great teaching job

with well behaved students

and my own boutique

that i would manage during my time outside of teaching

and id like a nice house

with an awesome porch

and i wanna travel

to europe

thats all i got.

a moment when i was most satisfied with my life.

i cant pinpoint one moment in particular, but i can think of a period of time when i would go almost as far as to say that my life felt perfect. the end of my senior year in high school was the happiest i think i’ve ever felt in my young-adult life. i was getting out of school, working out and eating right, starting my summer vacation, and had a few great friends i knew i could count on along with someone i loved. but, all that aside, that point in time where youre in between being done with high school and starting college is honestly the most care-free time in a young persons life (in my opinion). it is the time of literally no responsibilities, worries, or stress. all you have are your hopes for the future and the biggest concern during those few months of freedom is “what should we do today?”. 

since then however, things have changed. the people you were close to arent so close anymore. in fact, they’re states away. and guess what? they’re different people. and its hard to be hopeful when dealing with the stress of labs, lectures, papers, and plans for the future. there comes a point when you realize, “holy shit, im preparing for life right now. my actual real adult life”. it’s really alot to deal with and very overwhelming.